Reminder for tourists
So, you are about to go to a travel agency to choose a tour. First, understand the following concepts and definitions that travel agency employees will juggle.
B/B (bed and breakfast) - bed and tea; if you are alone, then it is better to take BB/BB - two beds and two teas.
H/B (half board) - half board, that is, about half of what you ordered.
F/B (full board) - boarding - this is of no use; you will have to line up for lunch right after breakfast. The buffet is also superfluous, served by the travel agency like God knows what an achievement, and what difference does it make to you what table you sit at, as long as it’s a big one.
Continental breakfast - if you are planning to vacation on the islands, then check whether the price of flights to the continent includes breakfast.
All inclusive (all inclusive) - when you check in, turn everything off so as not to pay extra.
Facilities on the floor - clearly not on the street.
Minibar - God forbid you have a minibar in your room; just because you thought to look into it, you will be charged $30.
Transfer - transfer from the airport to the hotel and, sometimes, back.
Charter is a good option, especially if you want to stay in the country longer.
First class - if you want to pay an extra $500 for a shot of vodka and an extra cutlet, then go for it. Business class - it’s better to forget about business, you’re still going on vacation.
Economy - it sounds offensive, but essentially the same plane as for first class.
A voucher is documentary evidence that you have been scammed.
How to behave in a travel agency:
Dress so that you feel comfortable and comfortable, and the travel agency employees feel uncomfortable and uncomfortable.
Eat heartily - choice is a serious matter, and no one knows how it will end.
Take a globe with you to compare it with the travel agency’s globe.
As you approach, evaluate the location. It is suspicious if the travel agency is located in a garage, in a barn, or is completely absent from the specified address. Inspect the surrounding area. Map out escape routes. Check for a tail.
When entering the office, do not take off your outerwear and hat. There are any number of cases when a person left without a ticket or a mink hat.
Don't be fooled by polite smiles and affectionate glances. They're being cunning! They want to sell a worthless tour for a lot of money.
Show right away that you are not dealing with a simpleton. Absolutely avoid tea or coffee. It is quite possible that they will add clonidine to you, and you will end up in a completely different place than where you were going.
Sit so that the light falls from your back and the travel agency employee’s face. Please read the license and certificate carefully. Issued by whom, when, for what reason. Check the presence of the charter, certificate of registration, certificates of payment of taxes and payments, balance for the last two quarters, and only after that proceed directly to the tour program.
Do not hesitate to ask the most unexpected questions and look at the reaction of the travel agency employee, recording his vasomotor and motor functions. If after 4-5 hours of conversation an employee begins to stammer and lose the thread, it makes sense to demand his replacement.
The most characteristic gestures that you should pay attention to when talking with a travel agency employee.
The tour operator looks at his Rolex watch. The travel agent looks at his watch “Flight”. Yawns - the hotel is noisy. It's scratching your head - the hotel often turns off the water. Blowing your nose - not the season for the tour. He steps his feet - it’s far from the sea. Trembling slightly - the sea is cold. Trembling violently - there is no sea at all. Hiccups loudly - uncultured. Sings and dances - just some kind of sick person. He twirls a pencil in his hands - he wants to pee. I put the pencil down and peed. He wrinkles his forehead - slap his hands, no one gave him the right to touch you.
Offer to make an advance payment in dollars. If the employee is lost in thought, then at a special signal his wife and children should run into the room shouting: “What are you doing here?!” At the same time, children must put a doll in the employee’s hands. After this, you can start talking about discounts.
Reminder for tourists
Flying away
Try to arrive at the airport before departure.
Place the insole in the sock on top of the money (pads work well - they absorb moisture and keep the money dry).
Take food for the road. You don't need much. A loaf of sausage, chicken, and a loaf of bread will come in handy on a flight. A little good and high-quality Russian vodka, which is best poured into a three-liter plastic canister, won’t hurt.
Wrap your luggage at home in advance with three layers of adhesive tape and take it with you to the cabin under the pretext of hand luggage. This will give you a chance to keep things intact.
When going through customs, answer firmly “no” to the question about the transportation of drugs and weapons and firmly answer “yes” to the question whether everything is written down in the declaration. Just don't get it mixed up.
There are two relatively fair ways to cross customs at the airport: through the green and red corridors. Honest and decent people go red. They have nothing to hide. Those with fluffy stigmas are trying to break through into the green. As often happens in life, honest and decent people get knocked up. So take your pick. The stigma is in fluff, the chest is in “Crosses” or the head is in the bushes.
On the plane
We strongly recommend that you squat during service a month before departure. This will keep your legs bent throughout the flight.
Don't waste time thinking when the flight attendant asks whether you want fish or meat. This is a joke. Take what's on the edge.
Don't ask for more wine. The chance that they will top up is 0.4-0.5%. The chance that they will send is 200%. After all, you have everything with you.
If you are a smoker, sit at the beginning or at least not further than the middle of the cabin. You will smoke in the back. If you immediately sit in the tail, you will develop tuberculosis 10 years earlier. If you are a non-smoker, it doesn't matter where you sit.
After boarding, do not take your blanket, pillows and seat belts with you - these are not included in the tour price.
Arrived
If you have arrived where you were going, take your things, your wife (if you have them), your children (if you have them) and leave the airport. Ten to one that no one meets you. Calmly. Don't lose your courage. You carefully remembered the name of the hotel.
Don’t take a taxi - they’ll take you to who knows where, and they’ll even take away your voucher. Walk. Things, wife and children can be loaded onto the airport cart.
If you find a hotel, God forbid you let hotel employees carry things to your room. They do it for money.
After checking into the room, check the availability of hot and cold water, soap, towels, toilet paper, the operation of the sewage system and air conditioning, the number of TV programs, the view from the window to the street and from the door to the corridor. Record everything and put the hotel stamp on it. But it’s too early to rest. Put the canister, leftover chicken and sausage in the safe - you still have to fly back.
Inspect the surrounding areas. Map out escape routes. Make sure there is a sea, a swimming pool and shops. Apply the hotel stamp. Return to your room. Now you can relax for a while.
Direct rest
If you have valuables, try not to leave your room unless necessary. When leaving your room if necessary, for safety reasons, sew extra money into the mattress and deposit it in the hotel safe. It’s better to take a fur coat and a mink hat there.
Before eating, send your wife to take the table an hour earlier and, periodically leaving the bar, check on her (the wife’s) availability.
Usually you can’t take food from a restaurant with you, but Russians can. Enjoy your privileges.
If you are relaxing at sea, then it is extremely important to take a sunbed on time. It is best to take it with you to your room.
If it rains, record moral damages and put a hotel stamp on it.
Visit all paid excursions. Excursions should be interesting and educational. You have the right to demand compensation if you do not understand anything.
Set aside two to three days for shopping. Any vacation loses almost half of its meaning if you haven’t bought anything. In the end, all these houses can be sold at a profit.
Departure and return
As your departure date approaches, stay close to the exit. Pack your things, soap, shampoo, toilet paper in advance. Refill the canister.
Prepare yourself to return. Jump in line, be rude in a restaurant, argue with your wife. No one is offended, everyone understands and sympathizes.
Don’t hold your heart on border guards and customs officers - you are their personal enemy, and say thank you that they even let you back.
Do not leave the house outside for several days until the happy expression on your face becomes normal.
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